“Well at least the baby is healthy” “There are plenty of women out there that would beg to be in my position” “I prayed for this baby, not a perfect labor”
These are just some of the guilty thoughts that run through our heads when we try to mourn our birth experience. We experience trauma and try to guilt our way out of feeling it, such a mom thing to do. I found this quote from @thedouladarcy and it resonated with me right away. I’m grateful, I am obsessed with my son but I’m also deeply traumatized by my birth experience and even his NICU stay. Neither having to do with nursing staff or location, just ways our bodies failed us and ways that our plans were shattered before our eyes and we just had to roll with it. I’ll share my whole story one day but I’ll say this much, my Labor Day started as a regular check up appointment and ended with me being transported by ambulance an hour across town for an emergency csection where I lost a lot of blood and had almost 7 lbs of fluid drained from my body. It was scary, it was traumatic and I didn’t really get to process any of it until recently. And as I process it, it’s blowing my mind. So I give you permission mama, talk through that traumatic birth story, process it thoroughly, mourn that loss of experience and don’t for one second feel guilty about it.

Boundaries are beautiful. They are set up by you to protect your mental health. Here lies the line I’m willing to take this to, and once it’s crossed I’m not engaging. I love it! Remember, you owe no one anything.

Do you find yourself not honoring your boundaries, especially when it comes to those closest to you?

When someone reacts unfavorably to your boundary it says nothing about you and everything about them. They don’t love you enough to respect your space, their love turns into entitlement. With that they will take unhealthy shots at you to get you to release your healthy boundaries.

How does this make you feel?
Do you need to help with being confident in communicating your boundaries?

So now that it’s no longer a secret, it’s official, baby number 3 is coming late July early August!

After the health issues I went through to get pregnant with our miracle Jude, we were anxious about the process we’d go through for this one. We tried for close to a year and I felt pretty defeated, and almost quit on my miracle before it arrived. All that to say, Gods timing is perfect and there’s no way to put parameters on it. Seriously, he will laugh at you. Experienced morning sickness the first couple months and finally just dealing with being overtired. Thankful the boys are in school during the day and I have plenty of time for guilt free napping!

Going in tomorrow for the NT ultrasound, to help identify any risk for Down syndrome as well as other chromosomal abnormalities and some major structural abnormalities. Hoping to also get some feedback from our NIPT blood testing I took a few weeks ago.

Thanks again for all the love and appreciate all the prayers!

After going through some pretty big stuff already in my lifetime, I’ve come to recognize the signs. And I will literally ask myself, how is this setting me up for what I’ve asked for? And 99% of the time that’s exactly how it works out. Gods never testing me for fun, it’s always a set up for the next miracle He’s working on in my life. So yes, the year of infertility, although it’s been heartbreaking, God has brought me through some other really big things this year that I wouldn’t have been able to handle while pregnant. Even my scare with cervical cancer back in 2014/2015, it brought me out with stronger faith than I could have dreamed of. This year my word is “steadfast”, I want to have unwavering faith in what God is doing. I want to still believe in those dreams that I have in my heart, even when it looks like all hope is lost and know without a doubt Gods setting it all up.
Where do you feel God is preparing you? Where’s your highest point of discouragement right now? I’d love to know so I can be praying for you through it.

When it comes to my health I’ve come to terms with the fact that nothing ever comes easy for me. 

I was rediagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes on my birthday, and just a couple weeks later I went in for a check up and we found large masses in my breast. 

I’ll admit, I literally felt the lump in my throat and said “here we go again.” It’s sad when you get used to getting bad news. So she set up an appointment with radiology and at 36 I’d be going in for my first mammogram.

Leading up to the appointment I was a ball of nerves, crying just thinking about it. And I didn’t tell anyone in my family because I I didn’t want to burden them in case it was nothing. Which was my first mistake, because then I was left alone in my anxiety.

But I went in for the appointment, wore a dress. Don’t do that. Because now you’re down to your undies in the exam room with a machine that makes pancakes of your boobs. 

My tech was so nice and helped me through each step with so much grace but the whole time I was a puddle of tears terrified of what could happen.

She left the room and I literally started playing “Rattle” by Elevation Worship on my phone and singing along to the words, “Fridays disappointment is Sundays empty tomb, since when has impossible ever stopped you?” and it was a much needed reminder that my God is the one that does impossible every single day. 

I waited, and waited. And waited. 

She came back in and said the doctor would actually like to do an ultrasound on that one side so you’ll have to wait in the dressing room until we can get a time for you to go in there. So here I am, still practically naked sitting in a dressing room which is basically a closet with a shower curtain for a door. I’m trying not to panic but can feel my stomach start to tighten up, my head starting to feel light and the tears came again. Needing a closer look? Of course. Again, nothing comes easy for me. So I turned Big Brother on my phone and just sat there and distracted myself for the next 40 mins. I then went into the ultrasound room and saw the photos right in front of me and began to panic. Y’all, last time I checked I’m not an ultrasound tech and I’m surely not a doctor so I had no idea what I was looking at and was panicking for nothing. 

The doctor came in and told me he saw nothing for concern and that the masses and pain were more than likely hormonal, kind of like right before you get your period. He also said to limit my caffeine. Which I quickly said, “I only drink one cup a day and I’m not giving that up.” 😂

But I did it, an appointment that took me through a two hour rollercoaster but I’m fine. There’s no cancer. I got out to my car and cried, played worship music as loud as I could and just thanked God over and over. 

I share this story because I had these pains and questions for almost a year and never said anything bc I was scared of what might be found. And in doing that I brought bigger risk to myself. So if you feel something wrong in your body, speak up right away. Who cares if it ends up being nothing?  You are your own best advocate. Also wanted to share that mammograms aren’t half as scary as I thought they would be. But I also exclusively breast pumped my second child for 18 months so maybe nothing bothers me anymore 🤷🏼‍♀️😂. Below are a few sites to visit for more information about Breast Cancer and how to self screen.

I went back and forth about posting this.

About being THIS transparent.

But, this isn’t mine to keep.

This is a real photo that I took recently after a good friend sent me the most uplifting and perfect article after a really hard day.

It was so perfect and broke me in the best way.

I’ll be honest, I have a good life.

Most days are great.

Of course it’s never easy but there are days that look more like this.

When deep down you believe the terrible things people say or try to make you feel instead of the truth.

When people try to cheer you up and you squash it because you’re too sad.

When I’ve been knocked down and hurt to my core left with more questions than anything at the end of the day.

I’ve been in this place many times in my life mostly because I’m conditioned to being in a place where I have to work for someone to like me or love me.

Where I often feel not enough or lacking.

I’ve been the girl that walks in a room of people I thought were friends to have them turn their backs on me or whisper and giggle as I walk by.

And then continue to hang out with them. (makes a lot of sense, right?!)

I’ve been the family member that’s had to endure things no one should ever have to endure.

But guess what?

This isn’t normal.

This isn’t okay.

People that tear others down to make themselves bigger are hurt deep down.

I’m here to tell you, there’s light on the other side of it.

There’s no doubt in my mind that Gods working in my life and has something big in store because the enemy has been working so hard to distract me and remind me of all my hurts.

It’s taken therapy, an amazing group of friends/family, prayer and healthy boundaries for me to get to a place where I can speak nicely about myself and believe it.

Where I can boldly say this is what I deserve and I won’t accept anything less.

Where I show up for me, not anyone else.

Where I expect to be treated with love by people around me and by myself.

Where I run fiercely after God and my purpose.

.

I say all of this to that woman out there who’s feeling this way.

I’m sending you a virtual hug and letting you know that if you do the work it gets better.

If you’re struggling to feel you’re worth it, I promise, you are!

Okay. Listen up.

I’m sitting here scrolling social media, like I do.

Hello, that’s my business!

And I’m triggered by all the hate/opinions/offenses/etc.

There’s moms shaming eachother over vaccinations.

There’s hate towards political affiliations.

There’s opinions on how people spend their money, time, and freedom.

There’s opinions on who can marry who.

There’s opinions on how people should raise their children.

There’s so many opinions over why Ariel can't be anything but a white girl with red hair.

Y’all let that go.

I just pray for perspective.

See it from someone else’s point of view. And if you aren’t currently living it, your opinion isn’t needed.

You don’t have to invite yourself to share your opinion all the time.

We owe it to the real issues that need attention and not the petty issues that serve no one here on a computer screen.

Share love y’all.

Encourage someone.

Highlight someone’s strengths.

Talk about what you’re grateful for.

Call a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while.

Book a trip to visit family.

Because at the end of the day, no matter how bad things seem we woke up today.

We get another chance to make a real impact and love people.

Hey y'all!  It's been a minute since I've posted and I have many reasons why. Family, work, sickness, all of the above. The biggest has been I really want to make sure I'm posting what you want to read!

I've been over on Instagram and if you ever want to see how or what me and my family are doing please hop over there and check out our ridiculous stories or transparent posts!

What's new?

Well, my word of the year is FOCUS. So that's been a challenge I've felt God put on my heart for good reason. And as always, it's not in the way I thought when the word first came to me. I'm really becoming more laser focus on life and purpose and finding ways to say no. I've been better at saying no to things I know I can't do or that weren't good for me but the things I love to do have been harder to say no to. But y'all know, I'm not superwoman and I can't do all of the things. My husband said it best just the other day, "there's nothing wrong with just focusing on being a stay at home right now." And I don't know why it took him saying that for me to really find the value in it. It also made me realize how I never found peace in that calling on it's own. I felt that I didn't have value in myself unless I was contributing financially to my family. So here's to a year of focus, and y'all get to join the ride on social media! 

Back in October I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, another thing I've shared everywhere but here. I'm gonna get better at that, promise!  At the end of February I went in to have my 3 month labs and it was a really great visit. I have really taken this low carb life to heart and have made a lot of changes in my diet so it was good to see it pay off. My levels on every account were much lower and took me out of the Diabetic and Pre Diabetic range all together. According to my blood work I'm NORMAL. I've also dropped 42 lbs in the last year and that in itself is just crazy. A lot of you have followed me on that journey via Instagram and have messaged me that you want me to share recipes and meal plans and I plan on getting that together soon!  I've learned so much the past 6 months, that's for sure and I don't plan on stopping! It was never about weightloss, it was always about health. I'm 34 and that's too young to have a scary diagnosis over my head that I have the blessing to be able to control and just not control it. That's just stupid and lazy and I won't go out like that, lol!

And then last but not least our baby turned 13 years old. THIRTEEN, y'all!  I started this blog somewhere like 10 years ago as a fun place for my family to come and see updates of our little play doh loving 3 year old and now he has a deep voice and a mustache. It's a season that I'll write a book about someday, but right now I'm just trying to navigate through one day at a time.

But that's my 2019, so far in a nutshell. And please, come visit me on

FB

and

IG

daily updates. I overshare, over-emotion, and over all the other things but y'all seem to love it and I love you for it! Be sure to tell me how to follow you below so we can be virtual buddies all the time!

I hope you're having an awesome year so far, and if not, it's just getting started so let's rock the next 9 months together!

What direction do you go when your steps become so heavy you can’t move? You can’t find the words to describe why or find the strength to keep moving?

That’s where I was. That’s where I still am. Just 5 days ago something pulled in me to make that appointment I’ve been saying I was going to make for months. The one that I needed childcare for. The one that even thinking about it made me turn into a puddle of tears. But I called, they said 3:40 on Wednesday. I knew I had plans that evening, didn’t have a sitter that day but I made the appointment anyway. I felt a peace knowing this wasn’t just a pull but God preparing me for what I’d been praying for.

Wednesday comes and my husband just so happens to be home for me to go alone to my appointment and doesn’t need to make it to his work until I get back. Again, that’s all God.

I pull up to the office, sweaty palms and almost in tears thinking about trying to explain this black cloud that follows me around without sounding totally nuts.

I check in, room isn’t ready so I wait. The waiting only increases my anxiety, “maybe I should just reschedule.” I finally make it to the room and they hand me a checklist. As I fill out the paperwork I’m on the verge of tears as I see myself checking the highest marks for almost all of them. I feel crazy. I text my closest friends and let them know where I am and they assure me they’ve done the same checklist, I’m not crazy and that they were proud of me for asking for help. Again, I felt Gods hand because he had placed the right people in my life to encourage me and not leave me feeling totally alone. The doctor walks in and before I can even mutter a word the tears just pour out. Every word I speak, more come. To the point that she has to ask for another box of tissues but all while holding my hand and reassuring me that I’m in the right place. I tell her that I have always been a social butterfly, super bubbly and a light for others. But over the last year or so my light was dark. I found more excuses not to go than reasons that I should. I snapped at my kids for things I used to let roll off my back. Getting out of bed was damn near impossible.

She told me with the lack of a support system and being a stay at home mom with a two and twelve year old she clan only imagine how overwhelmed I get. And I told her that’s exactly why it took me so long to come in. I kept telling myself “anyone that was dealt the hand I was dealt would be moody, tired and snippy.” But the darker my world got I started to see this isn’t just from that. We talked, I cried a ton, but we got answers and I’m getting help.

I am suffering with depression and anxiety. Why did I share this personal moment with the you? Because, I hope someone reads this and says, “me too.” I hope they read it and see there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I want someone to feel like through the cloud they see a beacon of hope. Hope. That’s why I shared. There’s no shame in it. I feel like I have direction now. I can enjoy my life. I still have to fight this battle everyday but I am speaking to a counselor, taking a new medication and have hope and faith that God will see me through it.

I see you trying to heal from what you won't discuss and that's okay.  I'm sending you a virtual hug.  You're stronger than you feel right now, and you're just one moment away from a really good day.